To my youngest daughter on her 26th birthday.

26 years ago today, I went into labor because today was the day when you were ready to arrive and show up in the world, in all of your glory and majesty.

Though we didn’t plan it that way, your father and I were both very happy and excited when we found out that we were pregnant with you. Your sister was almost 2 years old, and your father was a soldier in the US Army, stationed at Fort Riley, Kansas. I drove back and forth often from Dallas to spend the weekend with him in the barracks (which was very against the rules by the way). We were young and in love and getting pregnant with you was confirmation for us that we were ready to start a family and our lives together. It was time. We got married a few months later.

And a few months after that, I went into labor. Your father was nervous when I started having contractions, but he was so wonderful and so prepared. Yours was the easiest and fasted of my three labors. Your birth was pretty calm and peaceful as far as those things go, or maybe I’m just choosing to remember it that way.

My mom was there, and so was her best friend Mrs. Warren to help me with my labor.

I remember everyone coming to the hospital to see you…Grandma Jackie and Grandpa David, my mom and dad, and several of our friends. I remember Chelsea holding you delicately with Grandma Linda’s help. And I remember your father taking a picture with a cigar in his mouth that a friend brought him, but I don’t think he smoked it lol. We were all overjoyed at your arrival.

A sad memory that I have is that 25 years ago today, I was hospitalized for depression. At the time, I was pregnant with your brother, and your sister was only 2 years old, and we were poor, and my 22 year old body and mind was just overwhelmed and very tired, and so I missed your first birthday. Your dad bought you a little chocolate cake and he and Chelsea and Ms Tera and Essence were there to sing you happy birthday. He told me about it and showed me pictures.

Thru the years, for some reason you always got the best birthdays. There were birthdays with tea parties and a petting zoo at our house, birthdays with Panda Bears and Build A Bears. And I’ll never forget the house party we threw for your sweet 16. Our house was full of teenagers and that was kinda stressful lol, but it was also a lot of fun.

I don’t remember all of your birthdays though, because we are only humans and we just aren’t meant to remember everything, as much as we may want to. We are meant to keep making new memories and never stop making magical moments. We are meant to store what we can in our hearts and tell the stories to each other of what we remember throughout the years.

Everything has changed and life is very different now. You’ve been all grown up for a while now. All I am, all I have ever been, is a mother with a heart full of good intentions, hopes and dreams for the lives of you and your brother and sister, and also regrets. And yet still, I’m so thankful for all the years in between then and now. I continue to cherish every single day that we get/got together, all that I remember and even what I don’t. I believe it is all still there. All the long days and the short years remain stored somewhere deep in my heart, even the parts I forget. Such is the life of a human mother.

I have never been a perfect person. I am not a perfect woman, or a perfect mother or a perfect friend.

I am sorry for the many times I fell short of what you needed and wanted me to be.

All I can do is be here today or whenever you are ready. One thing I know for sure is that my favorite thing about my life is having Alexis and Adam and Chelsea in it. You and your brother and sister are the best things I’ve ever done, and I am so proud of all of you every single day.

I miss you with my whole being, every part of me misses every part of you and your brother (and your dad). Chelsea misses you too.

All of us are our best when we are together. That’s when we all are our happiest, our healthiest, our strongest, our most powerful. Our most brave. That’s what love does, that’s what love makes us. #onlythestrawnsurvive (and I like to replace the word Strawn with love sometimes.)

Happy birthday my beautiful, sweet nuunuu, my Alexis Marie.

I hope all of your birthday wishes come true.

I will keep loving you for the entirety of your life, and mine, and beyond.

If these walls could speak…

Chazare holding our newborn baby 26 years ago today.

Chazare’s two youngest kids about 10 years ago.